Memories and Marco by Hollis Shiloh

Author:Hollis Shiloh [Shiloh, Hollis]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Spare Words Press
Published: 2014-06-16T04:00:00+00:00

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Finding out he'd slept with a bunch of men in the military bothered me more than it should have. Not because he'd slept around — hell, if it made him feel better, good for him — but because of how he talked about it.

He was clearly embarrassed and regretted a good deal of it, or else felt sad when he thought about it, which was close to the same thing.

We ended up talking about it more that evening, when we were both a little calmer. I asked him to tell me what he was comfortable sharing.

"I wanted somebody to love me," he said simply. "And if I couldn't have that, I wanted to make people feel better. There were a lot of lonely men there. I could fix their injuries, but when they needed sex, sometimes I could fix that, too. Even the guys who didn't normally like men, some of them wanted to sleep with me. I was 'almost as good as a girl,' somebody told me once. Some of them said girls' names when they were with me, or wanted the lights out so they didn't have to think about the fact I wasn't a girl. I didn't even mind that. I just liked having some affection and making someone feel better.

"I slept with a sergeant who was pretty broken inside. He hated himself after sleeping with me. Even though he'd wanted men all his life, he couldn't really admit it to himself or anybody else. So he'd beat me around sometimes, after sex. But I didn't turn even him away. Because I knew it made him feel better, at least for a little while, and I could fix myself with the magic.

"In the end it was my magic they all wanted. It doesn't sound like healing magic would have anything to do with sex, but somehow, with me, it does. It makes people feel really good when I sleep with them. And I'm willing to please. I'll try just about anything once, and if my partner likes it enough, I'll probably like it too, just because it feels so good to me to make other people feel good.

"I've done some kinky stuff in my time, Jace. I'm not ashamed of that, not really. What I'm ashamed of is why I did it all." He exhaled. "I just wanted a little warmth. A little love. But I wasn't looking for it correctly." He shook his head slowly. "I'm glad if I made a soldier's day a little better whenever I could. But I'm sorry I kept trying to get love that way. It wasn't working. To them it was just a shag. But in my own way, I was worse than a whore. I didn't have sex just to feel good, or for money, or to survive. I was having it for the little shred of feeling wanted that it gave me.

"And that wasn't right. It took me awhile to realize that I wasn't getting what I wanted that way, and I shouldn't be putting up with some of the things.

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